Wrecker Field Guide

Transcript of a recording by Petty Officer Rick DeAngelo

   So, I pulled the short straw. This is supposed to be professional, but seeing as there isn’t really anyone left to hear it, I’m going to throw professionalism down the crapper and just announce right off the bat “WE ARE SCREWED”.

  Why might I say this? Because Wreckers, that’s why. Actually, that’s not the scientific name.

 Let me look for that...

 Oh yeah, wait! There is no actual scientific name because all the scientists died too quick to give them a scientific name. Just like all the soldiers and all the politicians and everyone everywhere. So yeah, we know like...nothing. And I still have a butt load of files infront of me to read out right now.

  Where was I?

 Oh right, Wreckers. Worst animal ever. Can we call them animals? I don’t even know anymore. Maybe: "Hell spawn," Or "Living nightmare" is more appropriate. 

 They first showed up about ten years ago. At first, it was all: “Look at this cool new species!” and “Let’s get one for the kids.” We should have learned from the horror movies. It all starts with “OH and AH” and pretty soon turns into BLOODY MASSACRE!

  I have a pile of science garbage in front of me here that I’m supposed to be reading to you but let’s just suffice it to say that human beings are dense, arrogant idiots. Yes, all of us. Me too.

 Imagine me, sitting there watching the discovery on TV, joking about how ugly the things are. Speaking of ugly, this is for posterity so I’m supposed to tell all of you how it looks. Of course, there are more of them than us at this point so you probably already know what they look like. 

But hey, I have orders right. Stupid, pointless orders from some guys who’s probably been eaten by now.

 Yes, EATEN. The freaking things EAT US.

I’m a bit of a loud drunk. Sorry.

NO. You know what, I’m not sorry.

So what do they look like? Well, imagine something twice your size, seriously, ten to twelve feet but I’ve seen bulls get bigger. Black as death, and covered in short fur and exposed bone. Yes, exposed. It’s like a weird hybrid of exoskeleton and flesh so it’s spine and skull are on the outside of its body.

 Oh, and four arms, very powerful arms with lots of muscles. Sound like a nightmare yet? Well, I haven’t woken up yet so you aren’t so lucky.

  They have claws like bears claws and a freaking double set of blades in one two of their wrists. I’ve seen men near cut in half by those suckers. Oh yeah, and two sets of jaws too. Like, they have these nasty fangs on their skulls and then inside, they have these pincer things like bugs. Disgusting.

  What else. If you get them scared...which is really hard...they spit acid. Like melt-your-face-off-in-seconds acid.

  These things are crazy hard to kill. And even if you manage to take the sucker down, its probably got another ten buddied on its tail that will take you out because, guess what, they like to run in packs. Perfect.

  Some people think they are communicating with each other somehow because they are so single-minded. They work together better than the SEAL teams that go in after them.

  So let’s say you somehow manage to kill them, right. Let's say we got them all...killed off the species. We’d still be screwed because these things lay eggs. And these eggs are like freakin’ flea eggs. They can just sit there, for years, underwater, in space, underground, glued to the bottom of your boat...wherever until they get a hint of some sort of prey. Then, boom, they pop out and four months later they can take down any man you name.

  So yeah, they are gonna kill us all. Goodbye cruel world. Even sitting in the middle of the Pacific ocean, I’m guessing I’ve got like, what, two good months left. Who knows, they can probably swim too.

 I don’t think there is going to be anyone left to listen to this. If you are...ha, good luck you poor schmuck. There’s not a whole lot I can offer you. I’ve never seen a man stand their ground in front of one of these things.

   If I had any last words, something I’d want humanity to know in the future: We tried.